I dyed my hair blue
and cut it short the other night.
I always hear about impulses to kill
on Law and Order.
Last night I had an impulse need
to change something about myself.
Something that you loved.
My long brown hair
that always smelled like green apples
thanks to Head and Shoulders.
So I went to the drugstore
bought bleach, blue hair dye, scissors
and a new shampoo.
When I got home,
I locked myself in the bathroom.
My mother knocked a couple of times
to check if everything was alright,
if I wasn’t writing poetry on my skin
laying naked in a red bathtub,
I told her I was doing something important,
Because a week ago
I was driving when your favourite song
came on the radio
and when I started to sing along,
I realized how awful that song was
and how I had been pretending
to love things I did not
when I was with you.
I guess that is when you know
a relationship is toxic.
So the other night
instead of changing something about myself
to make you love me
(what kind of logic is this?)
I decided to change something about me
that you dearly loved.
It is just when my hair
was all over the bathroom
that I finally smiled,
because that was it.
That was what I had to do
so your ghost would finally
stop haunting me.
Stepping out of the shower,
with blue stains on the curtains
instead of red ones,
I looked in the mirror
and I swear I heard your voice.
Maybe it was just your ghost
trying desperately to make me
fall back into my bad habits.
Or maybe it was just the bleach
and its strong smell
that clouded my thoughts.
All I am sure of is that
at that exact moment, I was over you.
Because I didn’t try
to understand what sounded
like your voice.
Because I did not care
what you had to say
about my hair,
my choices or my life.
And to be the master of your own life
sure is better than smelling like green apples,
just to make some stupid boy